I've been widowed for about 5 years now. Aside from the ridiculously hard go of things that it is, I've had the opportunity to reenter the dating world. To my married friends, the grass is not greener, lol. Between online dating, single parent status, body image issues and all manner of lifestyle quirks, it is just such a slog.
Online dating almost feels like a contest to see how many scams and unsolicited dick or dead animal pictures a person can collect, haha. In my 5 years on and off online dating apps, I met one, one person that was relatively normal, found me attractive, was attractive to me and actually wanted to be in a relationship. He's a great guy, but at the end of the day, it just wasn't going to work out. Between that was a man who took advantage of my freshly widowed mind and didn't have the balls to tell me upfront he wasn't looking for anything serious. That was my first ghosting experience. I will say that that experience did help me to finally get out of crisis mode and start the very long process of emotionally healing after my husband's passing. There was another potential candidate that was nice at first, but I quickly found out he hated dogs and could not stop complaining, I've never met a man that was so critical, he even complained about how I put on my chaps tick! I went on countless dates. One man looked at me with what could only be described as revulsion as I sat down to have a meal with him, and then later asked me to compare hand sizes...One lied about smoking and went out for a smoke after our dinner, telling me I wouldn't mind if he just had one. He also snapped to get server's attention, told me I should try harder in my pictures on the app and was convinced that I was going to be his forever woman, after describing his life at home as a seemingly controlling and cruel husband to his ex-wife. One man was obviously 20+ years older than his pictures and had nothing to say, at all. He was pleasant enough, but jeez, can't we work with pics from the last 5 years??? I'm pretty good at matching energy, and I can usually draw out some kind of conversation from people, but this was something else. I had one man who seemed to be pretty good, he was cute, educated, enjoyed great music, had his life together, single dad to a kid pretty close in age to my youngest and was willing to try vegan food! I was ready for this, he was going to be my perfect companion. Then he got weird. He started to say things that seemed to intentionally cause me frustration and anger. He made it clear one night during a conversation that he had some kind of kink where he enjoyed picking fights to make up with passionate sex. He wanted to piss me off. He also told me my feet looked big in my shoes...no thank you. I found another educated man who grew up in similar socioeconomic circumstances as me, had a kid a little younger than my youngest and like to have a few drinks. This got weird after about 6 weeks of daily texting and 3 dates. He spent so much time texting and then disappeared for days. I let him back into my life several times before I finally got the hint that he was never going to be truly available. He blamed it on his "communication style", I think he got that from his therapist. The last straw was him making plans with me and then ditching to go to the concert with a long time friend of his. There was a man who love bombed me and then ghosted when I wasn't able to perform something that was way out of my comfort zone in bed, even though I tried. Most recently, there was a guy who was pretty good looking and obviously took care of his body, definitely fit. He spent an hour and a half bitching about his ex-wife on the first date. He let me know that he was interested in "at least friendship" during that date and then repeated himself when I didn't react. It did not even occur to him that I may not be, haha. That said, I gave him a couple more chances. He spent those chances showing me a picture of a woman that was clearly more physically attractive than me and describing her as a "6", never one time telling me he thought I was pretty or cute or anything, and on the last encounter, making it clear that he was interested in casual sex, but still complaining about his ex-wife and making fun of my fanny pack. All of this sprinkled in between other bad first dates, multiple remarks about my feet being big, endless unsolicited dick pics, one even sent a short video of him masturbating after a first date, several saying I look better in person, a few man children that couldn't even pay for their own drinks, and endless mansplaining.
It took a long time for me and my husband to learn how to love each other unconditionally, but I think my willingness to keep going was a mix of genuine love for him, his patience with me, his crazy good dad skills and my age. I'm realizing over the past few months that I have become unwilling to tolerate being treated less than. I have made a pretty good life for myself, things are calm, things are ok, they are hard, but I get to choose how to handle them. I no longer have room in my life for anything other than a man that is nothing less than a beneficial addition to my life. He needs to respect my voice, provide a warm and strong presence, be a good role model to my kid, love animals, be emotionally mature and stable, know what he wants out of life, able to prioritize personal peace, is able to have conversations, doesn't' demonize differing views, has an interest in other cultures....and then all the usual, loves to eat, loves music, yada yada, doesn't mention the size of my hands or feet, hahah. But seriously, who does that?
I know it has never been easy to find a partner, and I know that women have it easier in the US than we ever had. We can work, make our way in the world, we are not so utterly dependent on men for survival. With that freedom has come some excruciatingly frustrating cultural shifts. Online dating has made it too easy to move on to the next candidate. There is now a seemingly endless selection of available people. No time to bother reading a bio to see if you have anything in common, just a few pics and a quick yes or no. All dating has become speed dating. There is not enough time to really get to know people before moving on. I find it so hard to really chose on those apps too because I can tell you that I look at and find so many different types of men attractive in person, it's the way they look, but also their mannerisms, how they move, how they speak, how they interact with other people, those things simply can not be gleaned from a picture. Women really can't win with looks either. Too tall, too short, too muscular, too fat, tries too hard, has given up, flat, saggy tits...we are shamed for being too sexy and humiliated for not trying hard enough to look good. We don't make enough, or we're too successful to be attractive. I personally found that when I put my grad school on my online dating profile, I got fewer matches. Don't be a gold digger, but don't try to have a career that is really financially rewarding...I could go on and on about this, but let's refocus.
Can we please go back to talking to humans in real life? Here are some simple guidelines-If you make eye contact with a stranger, say hello. Start a conversation. If they seem interested in continuing the conversation, ask them if they want to go get a coffee/tea/drink/etc. If they say no, move on. No need to be mean or cutting because you got rejected, take it as dodging a bullet, they were obviously not your person. Now, keep doing that. You can only serve to expand your network, make friends, find new opportunities for work, and maybe, just maybe you'll find your forever person.
Time for me to take my own advice, I think I will talk to a stranger today. I hope everyone has a fantastic Monday!
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