Making Friends In Your 40s

Making friends in your 40s is no short feat, I would go so far as to say that it is almost as tough as dating. In younger days closer to school age and even into the 20s, it’s easy to get out there and go meet people. I found that just by being social and working full time, I was able to find my way into several different groups of people I could call my friends, at least for a time. I was young enough to party and to recover quickly enough to get back to it the next day. I had the time to pursue hobbies and interests, and I had enough lack of life experience to trust everyone I met. Fast forward to 44 and I’ve had a boatload of life experience, I’ve been in relationships, I’ve been married, separated, widowed, have kids and have learned a lot about how different people can be when it comes to how the treat and like to be treated by their friends. I read somewhere that middle age is the time in people’s lives when they have the most social support, and I do have a few core people that I can lean on. That said, I find myself wanting to avoid small talk and often losing the battle to make myself go out and be around people. I know that it’s good for me to pursue friendly relationships, and to work to keep the ones I have, but it feels like such an exhausting endeavor. Going out means I need to summon the energy to put myself together, be prepared for small talk and to accept that I will generally have to let myself be uncomfortable for a time to develop those relationships. It’s easy to stay home and watch Netflix and avoid putting yourself out there in a position of potential rejection, it’s also hard to make friends in a community that I don’t quite feel like I fit in. But, at the end of the day, when I do put myself out there, I inevitably go home feeling happier and more relaxed for having done so. This one is a bit of a guide to remind me, and anyone else that feels the same way I do, to just go and be around people. Pursue things out of your comfort zone. Make time. We are social beings that need some human interaction to be at our happiest.

Real friends provide emotional support, giving a safe place to share your wins and losses, your joys and struggles. There is a lot of life and change to navigate in your 40s like career shifts, parenting, caring for aging parents or other family and all of the daily juggling we have to do. Having a wider network of friends will significantly help open the release valve for all of the pressure we face. The right social network will only enhance and complement your life and your emotional wellbeing. Social media is great in so many ways, but it is a sorry substitute for real, in person socializing. Finding a social network or two also gives you the opportunity to enrich your life by sharing activities and interests with other people. Whether it’s a hobby, fitness routine or a new skill, friends can motivate and encourage and more importantly, laugh with you when things don’t go as planned. All of these experiences, good, bad or in between offer bonding experiences that friends can build on.

As we age, most of us face health struggles, from dips in energy, to creaky joints to failing organ systems, friends can benefit our health in so many ways and research shows that having strong social connections contribute to better physical health. Friendships can lower stress, boost immunity and even increase lifespan. In the Blue Zones project, one of the key elements to living longer, happier, healthier lives is having strong social connections. There is a demonstrable slowing of cognitive decline and the ability to maintain thinking skills. These connections can include the people you have direct contact with, your friends and family and the greater community in which you reside. The point is that the connections are key. It’s the connections that improve health and extend our years.

Friends also get us out of our own heads, they offer differing perspectives and life experiences. They can show you different ways to live, including cultures, ways of thinking, broadening your horizons and fostering personal growth. When we are bogged down with our routines, our work and home life, managing our kids schedules, helping aging loved ones and just trying to get by, it is easy to forget that there are other ways to do things. It doesn’t need to be one way or another, there are endless perspectives and ways to handle life, from how to deal with the dreaded “What to have for dinner” to how to spend your precious free time. Friends give us the chance to see that the way we live our life is not an all or nothing thing. Yes, most of us will need to continue to generate income, we will need to make dinner and we will need to handle daily stresses, but the way we go about it be different and potentially better. How can you know if there is a better way to do life if you never get out of your comfort zone and seek it out?

Making and/or maintaining a social network is not easy in middle age. The demands of daily responsibilities like work, family obligations and trying to fit in time for self care make it feel almost impossible, at least for me it does. I’m not kidding when I say I need to give myself a pep talk to go spend time with anyone outside of my home, it feels overwhelming when the house is dirty and the dishes need done and all the other fun aspects of being a mom, but 10/10 times, I leave that social outing feeling better, more connected. Less alone. It can be scary to try to break into established social circles, and not all circles are welcoming to newcomers. The fear of rejection is real, even with seeking out new friends. Feeling like you don’t quite fit in is not fun and is a real possibility when you’re trying to expand your network. Not everyone is going to be for you, and that’s ok. In my opinion, that knowledge is one of the best parts of middle age. You don’t have to like everyone, and they don’t have to like you. Finding that a friendship isn’t going to work can be as valuable as finding on that will in that you will gain knowledge for the next experience. There doesn’t need to be hard feelings when we approach friendships with emotional maturity and grace.

But there are friendly people out there, it just takes some time and patience. One of the most effective ways to make new friends is to lean into your existing social networks. Reconnect with old acquaintances, go to social events like reunions or hit up community gatherings where you might meet people with shared interests. This is where social media can really shine, you can search up nearly any type of interest in the meetup app, there are endless community interest groups on Facebook and there is the OG method of going to your local rec center to see what they have to offer. You can volunteer a couple hours a month, take classes for fun, find book clubs or other clubs that align with your interests, like a fun sports club, cooking class, or hiking group. I learned how to knit in a bar with friends, there are countless ways to get new social experiences in. Even just taking a walk and saying hello to a stranger that looks like they may be similar to you can get your foot in the door with some new people.

One of the most important things you can do for yourself when trying to grow your social ties is to be open and approachable. I know, firsthand how hard that is with all the pressures we face at this age. I definitely have to un-RBF my face routinely.  Being too much in your head takes away from all of the ways that life can be beautiful, meaningful and ultimately close you off to making new friends. When you let your guard down, you can genuinely show interest in others, engage in small talk more easily and be more willing to share yourself with others in a way that is safe and can get the ball rolling to those budding relationships. It fosters connections.

Friendships take some effort, they require consistently reaching out, making and following through with plans and commitments, and ultimately it takes time to build the trust needed to really turn them into true friendships. Reliability never hurt anyone’s chances. The key here is not to over commit. Don’t try to hang out every Friday, commit to what you’re able to. Maybe that means a monthly book club, or a biweekly coffee date. Maybe that means meeting up for a walk every so often, do what you can, but don’t flake out, follow through. If you are open and honest, you will be able to communicate effectively. Sharing thoughts and feelings, and experiences is helpful both ways. It allows the other person to feel comfortable doing the same, while simultaneously building trust. Active listening and empathy are major components of building deeper connections.

Having gratitude and expressing appreciation also strengthens bonds. Even something as simple as a “Thank you”, a thoughtful gesture, or acknowledging a friend’s support, showing appreciation fosters positive feelings and mutual respect. It just feels good to know that you matter and have made someone’s life better in some way. Being supportive comes with the territory, we all have our ups and downs, and middle age is no exception. There is so much pressure, the demands are great and there seems to be no time. But taking the time to offer a listening ear, practical help or words of encouragement shows your commitment to the relationship and doesn’t need to take hours and hours. I would argue that helping a friend through their hard times can be as beneficial to you as it is to them. Yay for mutually beneficial relationship builders! Staying in the realm of healthy relationships, it is crucial to respect boundaries. I like to quote one of my favorite cycle instructors, “boundaries are sexy”. There is no way to establish, let alone maintain any relationship without mutual respect for one another’s time. We are all busy, bogged down and just trying to get by, being a pain in the ass instead of a supportive ear and friendly outlet will get you nowhere fast when it comes to building your social networks. Understanding and honoring friend’s limits and needs and communicating clearly is essential for healthy relationships. Respecting boundaries creates a safe and comfortable place for your relationship to grow.

Making friends in your 40s is a journey to say the least. There is rediscovery and connection and while it make come with some challenges, the rewards of building meaningful relationships at this stage of life are immeasurable. By leveraging existing networks, engaging in activities that interest you and remaining open and approachable, you can create opportunities to meet new people and form lasting bonds. Nurturing these friendships with consistency, communication, appreciation, and support ensures that they thrive, enriching your life in countless ways. It’s never too late to make new friends and enjoy the profound health and mental benefits of social connection.